Every part of me feels like it's frayed and on fire or like it's been rubbed raw with sandpaper. I told my husband I didn't expect what I am feeling and he looked at me like I was insane for expecting otherwise. He knew me better than I did.

I don't remember how I got from 6:21 yesterday to now. Time passed so slowly and then all of a sudden everything was over. And as my siblings were taking care of all the things you take care of, I was just sitting in her house surrounded by all her things and I think I lost my mind completely for a moment. I felt more panicked and scared than I had in my entire life. I felt so alone even if in reality I wasn't.

Because she was 15 when she brought me here. And she felt like my tie to the world and what kept me connected to everything. To my siblings. To reality. And I felt like I just dropped out with her gone. I was easily left. Like the spare piece of furniture no one knows what to do with. So emotionally raw that being in my presence is just fucking exhausting.

I want to express things and be there for others but I can't right now. And I know realistically no one is expecting me to. But you have all these ideas about how you are going to feel. I had a lot of ideas. They were all wrong and all right. I felt like I was feeling everything all at once. So I am going to hide right now and be safe in my bed under my cats. I hope everyone is ok with that. I can't answer messages or think about memorials. I just keep thinking the blanket they used to cover her was fuzzy and her favorite color and that she was cold when I kissed her goodbye.

My mother was everything bad and good about me. She was my beginning and end and I don't know how to exist without her here yet. I love you all I promise. I'm just trying not to die with her.